Sad Saturday

     I am a loser with no life. Yesterday, Friday, I did nothing and stayed inside. Today I went to chipotle and yea I had fun but It's the night that I am more worried about. I hardly ever do things with my nights anymore. I hope that my parents let me go to David Busters still. But the stupid snow came and ruined it but It's not snowing anymore so maybe I can still go.

     I have also experienced a real rejection on Wednesday night. I had my interview for LMC at Duke Ellington and was rejected for that. I had actually cried for the first time in forever because it hurt so much. I understand that It's a part of life so I just have to deal with that fact and move on. I know that I still have theater as an open option and I love theater as well so it is not a big upset. So I still have things to look forward to in life.

    My social life is nothing to look forward to. Nothing ever happens with me and my friends I'm just sitting at home whenever they go out. So now it is a major no for me to go out which makes me personal social life even more boring. I think for the rest of the night I will just sit around listening to music and doing absolutely nothing. Maybe one day I will have a social life but for now I'm just another one in the crowd.

    I know that musicá and music make me happy so I will be listening to this for the rest of the night. I feel bad because I have not blogged in a while but I should still have an up keep. I will just spout this topic then I will finish for tonight. Beauty is the discussion for today.

  Beauty always depends on the person as they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes the most beautiful person could have an ugly attitude and that can make them ugly to some or pretty still to the rest. Vice versa some may think that one is pretty or just ugly because of appearance, but in truth no one is ugly. Everyone in their own unique way is beautiful even if we, ourselves, do not realize that they are. I sometimes even have this judgement of others whether I realize I am doing it or not.

     Sometimes I do not even see my own beauty. I could be out in public and I see girls or women that I consider beautiful and it takes It's hit on my self esteem. Even though I am a teen I'm still a young teen so when I see the older ones, I think to myself that maybe one day I could look like them. They could have the worst personality ever but I do not know that or see it. All I see is someone who I know is prettier than me. There was a girl I went to school with, she is an year older than me so she graduated last year.

     I would always tell her that I wanted her hair. My hair stops a bit past my shoulder and is very soft and feels like cotton. Her hair was long but not past her elbows. She would always respond that she wanted my light skin color and my eyes because they changed beautiful colors. This goes to show what we do not see in ourselves, others do see in us. America promotes this picture of a girl who is blue eyed or blonde and tall and curvy and no fat what so ever.

     This can lower a lot of girls self esteem and I know this because it does this to me. When I see Victoria Secret commercials, it's like will I ever grow up to be that pretty? So many questions a young girl would have and for things she shouldn't have to worry about but does. I sometimes have to think about all the things that make me who I am and that I think makes me pretty. In the end I know who I am even after my time of doubt and even though I forget I will always have this with me. Until next time,

Mattie.

Testing and Metro Riding

      Today was an early day for me. I woke up at 6am and then had to wait in a long line to register for the School Without Walls. I was outside for about 10 minutes because the line was so long it went out the door. Then 20 minutes in I find out I am in the wrong line for last names. That was about another 20 minutes before I was registered and signed in. The test itself was not to bad but the math was a bit difficult. I also had other people with me there.

    Before my dad dropped me off he told me I would take the metro home. I was surprised; but I am 13 and I remembered he may want to see if I can take the metro if I want to go out because I am a teenager. I walked about 2 blocks which was not bad to get to Foggy Bottom even though it is cold. Then I looked on the map to see how to get home. I really loved taking the metro, the train more specificly. I just feel content when I am on the train and being in the train station. Taking the train by myself was so much fun.

     One day sometime soon I am just going to go to all the metro stops even if I am not going there for something. I want to ride all the way to Wheaton and all of the other places. I would like to do this with $100 in my pocket and friends with me so I can occupy myself. One thing that I am excited about is going to Duke Ellington one Monday through Thursday and I get to take metro home!!!!!! I get to ride home for 4 days on the metro by myself which I think is awesome. I may even stop by Chipotle to get me some dinner on my way home.

     Besides the metro riding home, I am nervous for Monday. Everytime I try to think it is far away I realize that it is right around the corner. I need to pick out my clothes tomorrow and pep talk myself. I think that maybe I should go to Sweet Lobby and get some cupcakes to help me feel a little better. Maybe 3, one for today tomorrow and Monday.

     I will keep trying to have longer post. I may even blog again tonight but until next time,

Mattie.

No School and Congratulatory Givings

     Today is the last day in my four day weekend. I had fun and there was defiantly a lot of laughter. Starting with Saturday I mainly did my homework, till about 3pm. Then we invited our other side of the family over for a "party". We all had so much fun and I never thought I could laugh as much as I did that night, ever. I was supposed to be on a diet and I tried to make sure that I had water mainly. I did good with portion control; I just don't think that eating 3 cupcakes was such a good idea, diet wise.

      Then Sunday we mainly chilled out. I read for a lot of the day. I did not want to watch tv to much because I felt in a way, it was pointless. Then Monday was the big inauguration. I did not want to watch because I felt that I had already seen the first so why the second. I do understand that he is America's first black president and I respect him for even making it that far. But, I have had him for 4 years now as president and now another 4 years and while he does great things I would rather watch from a distance.

     Obama and the First Lady have done so much for this country and I appreciate them. It is just that I have bigger things to worry about in life instead of keeping tabs on the First Family. I feel like it is amazing for America to see another president but if It's the same, then in a sense they will be the same. I mean yes he will get better but yet he is still trying to fight for what he has promised already because it was an unfinished task. The world of political business can sometimes get very hectic, therefore making it hard to explain some things. Although I am not in any sort of political business, it intrigues me.

   That was a bit of a tangent but back to Tuesday. Tuesday I still had no school so I sat home and watched the movies The Rise Of The Dark Knight and That's My Boy for the first time. I have to admit they were pretty decent movies and would watch them again. The Rise of The Dark Knight had me crying at the end and the voice and Bane and Batman were a bit creppy.

1/23/13

   Today was pretty calm getting back to school and attendong to all matters. I am super excited because next week is filled with visits to Duke Ellington. I am a bit nervous, well very nervous to even be going. In crowds I am usually quiet and waiting for someone that I know. I will try not to be invasive, but the confident courageous girl that I am known to be. Today is going to be pretty short considering there is nothing really important to me at the moment.

     I have nothing else for writing. Until next time,

Mattie.

No Life and Blogging

     I have no life. I made no plans this weekend, and I have a 4 day weekend. I have been told to entertain myself with my phone. I know that I need to get a life but I need to get things in order first. I can smell the food baking because we are hosting a party. And no before anyone decides to ask, not that type of party. This is a small dinner party with my step moms side of the family.

    My stepmother is a pretty cool person and I am grateful for all she does for me. When I want to go out she gives me money or she vouches for me when I need it. I am thankful for a lot that everyone does for me. For example, a lady I met in the sixth grade was a lawyer. I always wanted to be a lawyer so we kept in touch for a while then we lost it. But, today she contacted me and it made me think of how everyone believes in me and my dreams.

      I sometimes think as to why people even care to take the time out of their day for me. Then I remember that they believe in me because of my abilities and know that I can do that. And when I do remember that I remember that I know I can do anything that I put my mind to. I know that I am capable of many things as long as I do everything in my power to try. I try to exercise this belief whenever I can.

      I really need a life. I just sit around doing nothing staring into space. I usually eat when I'm bored but I am on a healthy diet where I portion control, only water and exercise. I believe I have been doing well and resisting temptation. I don't really start until Monday but it wouldn't hurt to practice to see what I'm getting myself into. During the week I have been a bit busy so there were no blogs.

     On last Monday everyone in my class that applied for School Without Walls got their letter to take the test, to get in. I did not receive mine all week, I even checked the mail like always. Until yesterday I checked the mail one last time and was so upset that I did not get a letter. My stepmother came home and said I got mail. My parents told me to wait until after dinner, but I was so impatient that they just let me open it.

Well our guests are here its time for me to go.

Until next time,

Mattie

Doctor's Office

     As I write I am in a doctor's office. I usually am not one big on these types of places, but my sister is another story. She goes screaming when the needles come out. I try to be calm and just take what's been given.

     This is going to be short because I'm going in soon. I can take doctors' offices but not hospitals because that is a whole different level. Well I have to go its my turn...

Until next time,

Mattie.

Life Conquest

      Today took a lot of courage for me. I had my theater audition at Duke Ellington. I was so nervous all morning with thoughts of ditching it all. But I had realized that I could not let fear run me or my life. God did not give me life so I could sit back and never enjoy the sweets of life.

    On my high school list Duke Ellington was once 1st then it moved to 3rd, but after my audition I change my mind. If I did get accepted to Duke Ellington I would most likely drop every other school that I was even thinking about. One thing today that really got me thinking was free will in America. They say we are born with free will even in religion, mainly Christian and Catholic, that everyone just has a choice to do what they please. I had the choice to go to the audition or not.

       Like I have the choice to listen to my parents, but we have inhibitions that keep us from them because in a way it has been instilled in us. I believe we have inhibitions because society has expected us to do these things and once instilled in our ancestors they instil it in their children and so forth with the chain.

       We really have no free will, in a sense, because there is also law. The law is what gives us, human beings, inhibitions. If we have free will then why does society try to make us fit into a social bubble or criteria? I can make the choice to break the law but then I have to face the consequences of that choice. It doesn't make sense when society urges people to exercise free will, but if you do something they are not particularly fond of you get punished. Free will is a concept that is simple yet complicated.

       I am not sure how the next four years of my life is going to be. All I know is what I picture it to be. Time is coming faster than expected and will bring good and bad. I only wish I did know the future, although others say sometimes knowing too much is a bad thing. I would like to visit a physikick(not sure of spelling) and have my future foretold, even though some advise otherwise. I think that knowing a bit of the future can be good or bad but it all depends on the person who has the knowledge.

       I was looking through some stuff I wrote when I was younger and almost cried. Looking back on that little girl I wonder where she went. I know she grew up to be me but I still see her shining through. I was looking through this old diary I had and wanted to laugh and cry. Some things were good others were bad but my crushes stood out in my writing. As I write this my nose is flaring and eyes becoming glassy because nostalgia is paying me a visit.

      The way I felt then and how I handled the situations are way different from the way that I handle them now. With my friends, family and train of thought. I was a cheerleader then when I was in the fifth grade, when mainly everything happened. I was even the head captain always showing up to practice and setting the example. I think that because society always portrays girls/women as these skinny maybe blond haired and blue eyed athletic people.

      The normal girl was a cheerleader when she is in school I thought so I joined to. I did eventually develop a passion for cheerleading. When I became apart of the team, I would try my best in practice and practice was a hard core no joke thing. Then I would go home and exercise for about an hour or two. I wanted to lose all the extra weight that I had so I could become skinny like the others.

      I was just very curvy and never in my life was I obese. I just wanted to be skinny like all the other girls. Now I am comfortable with my body but there still are times of doubt that I have. I would like to start working more because I loved the adrenaline that it gave me before. It has been awhile sense I have gotten the thrill feeling of working out but would like to again.

     There are things, topics even that people keep stored away or hidden from others because they do not want them to know. Everyone does this and it is up to us whether we choose to disclose it or not. I share because I feel no shame in what I have done. I only look back to imagine what could have happened differently, but then again there is no point in looking back on the past.

Until next time,

Mattie.

Sick Days

    So I have been sick since Friday, hence why I have not been posting. I have just come to the realization that I usually start my paragraphs off with "So". I will try to improve on that. But back to me being sick it was terrible. I push through when I'm sick and at school but Friday could not take it. I think that I have been doing better and am 99.8% better.

     On Friday mainly it felt like the winds of the artic tundra in my nose even though I wasn't breathing through it. And it felt like I had a tickle in my throat that would never leave but coped. I feel so much better today, except for the occasional nose blowing. But yesterday was the most fun day of me being sick. I went to Sweet Lobby, a cupcake place, I love their food. Then Chipotle and the food was amazing. I'm just glad I did something for fun while I was sick.

     I have been working all day on my monologues but I have a problem. I can read with emotion but when I stand up, to practice like a real audition, I have no clue what to do with my hands. I'm receiving the help I need I just hope I can actually get the message through to me. It's a bit nerve racking knowing I'm going to be in a room full of people I don't know. I know my cold will be gone by then I just hope I have confidence to speak to others.

      The audition itself is not the worst part but being around others I don't know more so. When I auditioned for the Shakespeare Theater Young Company of course there were nerves a lot, but also knowing you are going to be around people you don't know. The only thought that helped me through being around others was my best friend. She was auditioning aswell so talking to her before completing my turn was a huge help. I hope I have my confidence that I usually have to talk to others.

      I know I will be able to because I'm the bubbly type in a way but still. I think I'm in the mood for my Popeyes chicken in the fridge.

Until next time,

Mattie