Today took a lot of courage for me. I had my theater audition at Duke Ellington. I was so nervous all morning with thoughts of ditching it all. But I had realized that I could not let fear run me or my life. God did not give me life so I could sit back and never enjoy the sweets of life.
On my high school list Duke Ellington was once 1st then it moved to 3rd, but after my audition I change my mind. If I did get accepted to Duke Ellington I would most likely drop every other school that I was even thinking about. One thing today that really got me thinking was free will in America. They say we are born with free will even in religion, mainly Christian and Catholic, that everyone just has a choice to do what they please. I had the choice to go to the audition or not.
Like I have the choice to listen to my parents, but we have inhibitions that keep us from them because in a way it has been instilled in us. I believe we have inhibitions because society has expected us to do these things and once instilled in our ancestors they instil it in their children and so forth with the chain.
We really have no free will, in a sense, because there is also law. The law is what gives us, human beings, inhibitions. If we have free will then why does society try to make us fit into a social bubble or criteria? I can make the choice to break the law but then I have to face the consequences of that choice. It doesn't make sense when society urges people to exercise free will, but if you do something they are not particularly fond of you get punished. Free will is a concept that is simple yet complicated.
I am not sure how the next four years of my life is going to be. All I know is what I picture it to be. Time is coming faster than expected and will bring good and bad. I only wish I did know the future, although others say sometimes knowing too much is a bad thing. I would like to visit a physikick(not sure of spelling) and have my future foretold, even though some advise otherwise. I think that knowing a bit of the future can be good or bad but it all depends on the person who has the knowledge.
I was looking through some stuff I wrote when I was younger and almost cried. Looking back on that little girl I wonder where she went. I know she grew up to be me but I still see her shining through. I was looking through this old diary I had and wanted to laugh and cry. Some things were good others were bad but my crushes stood out in my writing. As I write this my nose is flaring and eyes becoming glassy because nostalgia is paying me a visit.
The way I felt then and how I handled the situations are way different from the way that I handle them now. With my friends, family and train of thought. I was a cheerleader then when I was in the fifth grade, when mainly everything happened. I was even the head captain always showing up to practice and setting the example. I think that because society always portrays girls/women as these skinny maybe blond haired and blue eyed athletic people.
The normal girl was a cheerleader when she is in school I thought so I joined to. I did eventually develop a passion for cheerleading. When I became apart of the team, I would try my best in practice and practice was a hard core no joke thing. Then I would go home and exercise for about an hour or two. I wanted to lose all the extra weight that I had so I could become skinny like the others.
I was just very curvy and never in my life was I obese. I just wanted to be skinny like all the other girls. Now I am comfortable with my body but there still are times of doubt that I have. I would like to start working more because I loved the adrenaline that it gave me before. It has been awhile sense I have gotten the thrill feeling of working out but would like to again.
There are things, topics even that people keep stored away or hidden from others because they do not want them to know. Everyone does this and it is up to us whether we choose to disclose it or not. I share because I feel no shame in what I have done. I only look back to imagine what could have happened differently, but then again there is no point in looking back on the past.
Until next time,
Mattie.
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